27 June 2007

The Adventures of Marco Polo

Well....seeing how everyone is in the traveling spirit these days, I thought I would jot some quick notes about my LUXURIOUS travels throughout God's country....many of you might not know, but I am quickly becoming an expert in the ways of blue collar, militant fundamentalist sights and places of residence....I know my travels don't warrant the ooooos and ahhhhhs that Jeni ,Tyler, Stan, Gina, James, Dallas, and many others experience....however...some of these still have some merit.

Last month I was up in western Montana....again....and I passed through the Flat Head Lake Indian reservation...As I stopped by the local gun and liquor store for some gas and snacks, I couldn't help noticing the locals natives( no pun intended) browsing the mouthwash area....of course, Johnny Mad Weasel quickly picked up the yellow Listerine and shouted, " Hey, my favorite color!" Montana sure has its perks and rewards...especially mouthwashes. If you like to get a buzz off mouthwash, shoot guns and fireworks....Montana is for you.

I made my way southward, down to the heart of hell on earth.....Phoenix, Arizona....where temperatures soared into the triple digits.....113 to be precise. I have the distinct honor of visiting the local pain clinics to see the parade of human troglodytes cram their way to relish the sweet savor of oxycontin, lortab, and other delicious pain and reality dimmers....One particular swarthy man entered with a tee shirt that said..."Guns don't kill people....I do". It was his toothless scowl that scared me...and his lack of attention to personal hygiene.

Perhaps the best attraction lately is Round up Days in Lehi, UT....that's when all the closet rednecks and real rednecks join as one to celebrate the cowboy life. We do this best by having a parade and watching the local high school bands endure sweltering heat while blowing muscial instruments, and the cops and firemen have a hoe down and throw old candy on the road, while all the little children swoop down upon it like vultures to a wildebeast....if only we could get the usual garbage collectors to be as diligent...hmm.....

When I return home, I rejoice to see my wife and children, and as I go outside to watch my "fench-loving" neighbor-(whom I despise)...methodically move all his belongings into a moving truck and away from my sight....I am reminded again how truly great life is, and how often God is mindful of me..

Hope everyone is well....


Doug

6 comments:

7of9 said...

Brilliant. All I want is more.

Mama said...

Dad here.. most of you young'uns don't recall my montana days, which were many..all through the 70's.I gave speeches. and stuff.. but visited offices in Bozeman and Missoula.My main enjoyment was Eddy Arnold, my large tapes in my oldsmobile player, he sang Cattle Call, and Streets of Lorado.. it just doesn't get any better than that.some of those days involved JR Clarke, he would always try to get the local cook, at some of those places Doug describes, to mix onions in with the hamburger before he cooked it. he would ask to go back to the kitchen and show them how. It was real funny.Winter was the best. I remember driving from west yellowstone to Bozemnan during a snow storm in my 71 pontiac grand pri... it was 70 below. couldn't keep warm in the car.. got to Bozeman to my motel, and the next morning my car was frozen solid. Had to have it towed into a shop, and they built a fire under the oilpan to thaw it out. So remember that your old Dad put in lots of miles and days in Montana. The little big horn is haunting... every one should visit there. Stan went with me to missoula once during the winter up through nothern idaho over whitebird hill. We Drove the white rabbit, with snow tires. it was a great snow car. We were on our way back, and come upon a stranded person, whose car was actually stuck in a snow bank all wheels off the ground, and the hood clear to the windshield in snow. She was standing there freezing. We were on our way back to idaho, going down hill, over lolo pass... she was coming up the other side when she lost it, on a switch back curve, some of you know what that is. Any way I stopped and offered her a ride to the bottom of the hill where there would be some form of rescue. she was very nervous about getting in a car with a couple of strange guys, but I assured her she was ok. As we prepared to leave, "the rabbit was about new then" she called her dog. He came running. We had not seen him. He was a big German shepard. BIG.. with the bit teeth. She said, this is Jake, and he bites. That is where I fell in love with the name Jake, in case you are wondering/ Anyway this sloppy dirty footed dog, climbed in the back seat with her, and we started down. About that time, a passerby came, and stopped, and after a visit, I suggested she ride with him up the hill, and she consented... with Jake. I told the guy, don't get any ideas, Jake bites. anyway Doug, this is no where near as funny or insightful as your thoughts, so keep it up.

Mama said...

This is the Mother. . . I agree with Dallas. . . your writing is brilliant. How come we have all of you wonderful writers in our family. In-laws too. You are all so gifted! Doug, this was so funny, I could hardly read for the dripping eyes! Classic! Loved! Never tiring of . . . . DOUG! Do us some more, please. Sure love the fun feelings you share. A good laugh is priceless! Please keep them coming.. .. . loves. . .xoxoxo Mama

Jen said...

i just want to hook you up to a voice recorder doug....and laugh my guts out!! thank you so much your wonderful descriptive words-i felt like i was there with you!!
xooxoxoox

RockStar said...

I'm glad to humor everyone...I wouldn't call myself gifted by any means, Mom....maybe just an observer of human behavior...I promise more to come....got some goods ones.

Doug

Lead Dog said...

Doug, I can't stand to read your stuff. It kills me to laugh. Especially today after I a little outpatient lower abdominal surgery.

Keep it up.